Who’s under your thumb?

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Control isn't pretty.Once upon a time there was an Enormous Thumb belonging to a woman with an Alcoholic Husband and Three Teenaged Children.

The four of them lived under her thumb, so of course they couldn’t do much growing up. Often their spirits writhed under the weight; every time they tried to get out from under, they’d do something wrong and the thumb would clamp down on them again.

Father managed by keeping himself flattened out drunk most of the time; he was so cute about escaping to a bottle that, no matter how much mama watched, she couldn’t catch him at it until he’d drunk himself into unconsciousness. Everyone thought she was a Very Nice Lady, and they were sorry she was having such a hard time with her family.

There was really no reason for her to come to Al-Anon to solve her problems because she always knew just what to do about everything. But she did want to make her husband stop drinking, so she thought she’d try it. She was quite unhappy at first because some of the members were not inclined to Pull any Punches. She was quite indignant when they tried to show her what she was doing to her family, but to everyone’s amazement, the Thumb began to shrink and lose weight, and things looked brighter.

More and more she realized what she was doing and, being a Determined Character, she applied the program every day and her other problems took care of themselves very nicely.

–One Day At A Time, pg 286

7 More Ways to Write a Fourth Step

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DoubleWinnersWe’ve looked at the AA Big Book version in another post.
Click here if you’d like to read it.

If you didn’t know it, Al-Anon’s book “Paths to Recovery”
is an excellent resource for at least 7 other ways to do a 4th Step.
Let’s take a look.

1. LIST OUR FEARS
Begin by asking for willingness from God and then plunge in head first. Don’t wait; just do it. Write about the events and people we resent or distrust.

2. WRITE OUR THOUGHTS
By writing our thoughts, we are able to remove ourselves from some of the specific situations and see ourselves more clearly. It breaks through the intellectual analysis many of us battle and helps us to recognize our feelings.

3. THE 4 M’s
The 4 M’s are coping skills we learned as a family member of an alcoholic. They stand for Martyrdom, Managing, Manipulating and Mothering. By using each M as the backbone of our inventory, we write a short sentence or paragraph of who, what, when, then what we want to do differently and how to apply the AA/Al-Anon principles.

4. “BLUEPRINT FOR PROGRESS” WORKBOOK
A character defect/asset diary, this Al-Anon CAL (Conference Approved Literature) workbook can jog our memories and thoughts through a narrative. Easy to store, this workbook can be a valuable measuring tool for growth as we look back at them year after year.

5. “ALATEEN 4TH STEP INVENTORY” WORKBOOK
Another CAL workbook, this can be used by adults, also. This format encourages us to DRAW our feelings about attitudes, self-esteem, love, responsibility, feelings and relationships.

6. KEEP IT SIMPLE
This dual-column format involves folding a sheet of paper in half. On one half, we list our character assets as we see them; on the other half, we list our character defects as we see them. Ideally, each list should be equal in length. Writing about each item on our list can promote self-awareness.

7. THE 4 C’s
This adds an additional category to the usual “3 C’s” about alcoholism commonly heard in Al-Anon: We didn’t Cause it, we can’t Control it, and we can’t Cure it. Adding the 4th “C”, Contribute, is how this becomes a 4th Step inventory.

We begin by writing out a specific incident, situation or relationship. Applying the 3 C’s, we dissect it for places where we contributed to the disease through our own actions. Write this out as the 4th “C”: “Contribute” by asking ourselves these questions:

  • Did I Cause the problem or incident?
  • How have I tried to Control it?
  • Is it in my power to Cure it?
  • Did this action Contribute to the problem?

As with any 4th Step project, stay in communication with a sponsor or trusted friend. Feelings can be revealed that may cause anxiety and it’s helpful to be able to share with another person (not the alcoholic or co-dependent person in your life).

Well, that’s what I’ve discovered about 4th Step formats. I know there are as many ways of doing this as there are people doing it. Let me know how you’ve done a 4th Step (or why you have been putting it off) by leaving a comment below.

The New Normal

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The ending of one year and the beginning of the next seems to be the time everyone evaluates where they are in this world. It’s just a fortunate and natural (I believe) thought process. And for many years, my goal was always to inch closer to that elusive “N” word: N-O-R-M-A-L. More

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